Cookie Dough

It's amazing what pictures
what sounds
what motions and actions
run through my mind...

No one can see
No one can tell
Not even I.

I'm busy making cookie dough
I'm cleaning up the mess
I'm busy washing dishes
And what's running through my head...

Last images
Last cries
My sister's shouts for Daddy
are echoing through my mind...

But who can tell
And should they?...
Should I just let me be...
Who can tell that I'm still there
in my grief and misery...

Numb

Drained
Shatterred
I'm weak

Cried-out
Cried-in
I have no energy to speak

Closed-off
Tired
Shocked-still
Frightened
Confused
Dreamy
Awake
Sleepy...

Numb.

יונתן רזאל - חזור

Return again
Return again
Return to the land of your soul
Return to who you are
Return to what you are
Return to where you were born and reborn again
Relive the joy of your fathers before you
Who lived with the song of their lord,
on their lip stays...

Mom's words

I long to dream of him
I long to sense his being
I crave for words
I crave for love
I crave for him

One night I sensed him
One night I felt him
I wasn't dreaming
I wasn't sleeping
I was between two worlds...

I felt a hand on my shoulder and...
As I opened my startled eyes
I watched the memorial candle before me dance and shine...

Wonder if you will...

I believe you mom
Daddy must miss you
I believe you mom
Even if you don't
Daddy cares for you
He protects
Daddy aches for you
He longs for your embrace.

A Woman

Today
a woman
who I have no contact with
who I haven't seen in years
recalled her dream to me...

She dreamt that she was in a party
In honor of my dad
He was playing on a guitar
and singing,
he was pleased and calm
The party took place for a reason-she said
in broken words she uttered
"one of you were supposed to die...
Your dad saved one of you..."

I then began the questioning,
"How was my mom?"- she looked worried
"How did you know the reason for the party?"- I felt it

She had no idea about my own dream
She had no idea of what I had seen

She told my mom- who is as bewildered as me
She told my mom the dream- it didn't set her free...

Today
I spoke to a woman
Who I have no contact with
Who I haven't seen in years...
a woman
thousands of miles away
a woman
who had a dream
so close to my thoughts
It makes me wonder...
It makes me smile...
It makes me sad...
It makes me cry...

Today...

Today I pondered on last thoughts...
last images and memories
never to be experienced again.

Today I pondered on my Dad's last moments,
In sixty seconds how many pictures can you conjure up,
and did the fear of the unknown get in the way?

Today I tried to ponder his thoughts...

And I'm still trying

I had a dream

I was driving with my husband,
I remember it clearly...
We were talking, all was the same...

I turned the corner
It was above the sea
I remember the feeling as I missed the road
"This can't really be- you and your husband are about to die,
Crash down and fall... "

I remember the feeling
It sends chills down my spine
Slowly falling
Feeling the rush
Holding onto the steering wheel

I call my husband
My voice hardly gets through
I call him by his name
Panick-stricken...
I hear him tell me something
"Op..."
He tells me to open the windows
I reach for the button- It won't help
We are about to die
That's it
Goodbye World
Goodbye Son
I can't believe this is happenning
All because I mistook the turn...
And then I wake

And straight away I feel my dad
I'm ridiculous I know...
But he saved me
He gave his own life instead
Somehow he knew
And he sacrificed...

I must sound egotistical for sure
but I need an answer for the statement
"All things happen for a reason"
So, last night when I woke from my dream
I found my reason.

We Dont Talk...

We don't talk about it-
Why bother
We dont cry about it-
At least not to each other
We don't talk about it-
We're afraid...
We don't cry about it-
We defend and protect...

To Be...

When my tears finally crawl through they come strong....
they come boundless
they come with passion
they come from within
they hold nothing back
they are free

When my tears finally creep their way into my mourning eyes
I am glad
I feel relieved
I feel at peace with my sorrow
and I sob...

I sob for the little girl who feels scared
I sob for the young woman who longs for the protection of her dad
I sob from within
I sob for just me...

I am glad for my tears
They comfort me in knowing that I still feel
So Please...
Don't interupt me
Just let me be
I'm comfortable to be in my grief
I need these tears for me...

Morning...

How my mornings have changed,
How my thoughts have changed ways,

A new day has come
A new venture to conquer
but how can I face the world when my mornings have shut their glory at me?

How my mornings have changed,
How this death has changed its ways

A new day has come
And again I feel numb

The first thought
The first realization
The first idea that crosses my mind
before I even have a chance to open my tightly shut eyes...
is of loss

And then you wonder why I'm moody
And why I tumble and fall
You try to wake each morning with the understanding of it all...

Who?

Who will tell me he's proud of me for the way I raise my son?
Who will sense that all is not right in my challenging,at times, life?
Who will tell me not to worry and that all is under control?
Who will hug me and whisper in my ear that I am worthy and strong?
Who will take joy in the cakes that I bake?
Who will call me on Fridays just the way you had?
Who will call me sweetie and make me feel forever young?
Who will laugh and wink at me at the jokes that are now left behind?
Who will make all the efforts to make sure I live well?
Who will teach me through his actions how to be humane?
Who will I call Daddy and who will hold my hand?
Who?
Who?
Who?
A thousand times adieu...

She sinks...

She sinks and she drowns
She lets the pain consume her
She drowns in her sorrow
And releases the bitter tears

She sinks and she falls
How the hell is she supposed to manage it all?
She is together
She is alone
She is slowly seperating from the other half of her soul

She was strong
She was power
She was soft
She was the mother

She is weak
She is broken
She is shattered
I feel her hollow...

She is mother
She always will be
But now the roles have turned
There is a new duty

She sinks in her sorrow
Gives in to the sadness
Gives in to the shock
and drowns...

She is mother
I am daughter
She is power
I must grow stronger
She is mother
I am weak
She is mother
I must seek...
The roles have turned
The tide has come
Wipe your tears away
My time has come...

Sometimes

Sometimes I forget
and I laugh
amd I chit chat with my friends

Sometimes I forget
and I wait for my dad to call
and see his face

Sometimes I forget
for minutes and minutes
and then I feel so bad

How can you just be?
I ask myself at times
How can you continue?
When you tend to be so blind

Sometimes I forget
and then I call my mom
Always when I hear her
I breakdown and cry

Sometimes I forget
But Most of the time I don't
Sometimes my mind just simply will not
let me take it all in and cope

Sometimes I wipe my tears and look at them...
so clear
so small
so don't belong to me at all

Sometimes I want to say Daddy once more
without it being part of a conversation I shouldn't have to endure
Sometimes I want to say Daddy once again
And you will answer and take this horrid pain away.

Rescue me...

I'm running,
I'm crying,
but no one can tell;

I'm hittng and screaming
at the pain that I feel.

My dry eyes, my posture
hide it all well,
but watch me,
I'm falling
Wake me up from this spell.

My role

This thread that I hang on is slipping away,
This face that I live by will one day fade,
Your smell and your being is all that I crave,
But, G-d knows, that now is my time to be brave...

Cry

There are different cries
They possess no lies
I can feel them come
I can see them hide.

There are different cries
Some are loud
They tend to fright
Some are silenced by the ones who hide.

There are different cries
They have no definite times
They hit you at night
They crawl through the light.

There are different cries
They are spread throughout
They belong to all
They unite and divide.

There are different cries
Some I handle
Some I bite
They are rare and far between
They are mine
They have a shield.

There are different cries
I can no longer lie
To my soul
To my heart
To the one who left me behind...

I refuse...

I refuse to say goodbye to a rock
to a stone
to a man-made structure

I refuse to kiss a rock, a stone, a cold heartless block

I refuse and I won't
I refuse and I long...
I long to hug
I long to hear
I long to smell
without a fear
I long to be-
just me...
daddy's girl.

Falling

If you'll fall now, it's okay
Daddy will catch you
He's not so far away

If you'll fall now, don't have fear
We will survive
But we'll miss you my dear

But; if you choose to stay, Stay...
Stay strong
Stay true
Stay me
Stay you

If you choose to stay
I promise I'll be
Your shoulder
Your daughter
...You'll see